Blue Moonlight

Woke up in the early morning again. A light blanket of moonlight was shining through my window. Some similar moments in the past — 20 years ago so exuberant about great books as to handwrite them down in thick notebooks in the wee hours powered by ice coffee, not knowing where I was going but full of hope; some 12 years ago at a shared dorm in Southwest Beijing, toning down desk light to read in the early morning; nine years ago in the first couple of weeks in the U.S., staying on a boat and counting the stars in the early morning, filled with equal amounts of anxiety and hope; five years ago in a smallish HK flat plotting my return to CA and getting up early for a run in Quarry Bay Park nearby…these shreds of memories, are so real and so close. My life is a blink.

So who was the chicken to call off the USS GW-involved joint exercise between Pentagon and Seoul in the Yellow Sea? The 3rd flip-flop over 2 months, which made Pentagon look pretty bad. Someone just said Washington had bigger fish to fry and Seoul was fuming…and am still slightly surprised Beijing seems increasingly able to have its way these days. Just a day ago, Geithner had to meet Wang Qishan at the Qingdao airport for an impromptu meeting. Second time the treasure secretary met with his Chinese counterpart in a makeshift meeting room inside the airport.

There was this meta-analysis on the relations between democracy and economic development (Przeworski and Limongi, 1993) — 21 finds, 8 positive, 8 negative and 5 no relationship. Exactly even. What did that tell you? Democracy doesn’t necessarily make you rich, and dictatorship might just work if you get the mixture right.

My Kindle has arrived. So has that box of wines.

Love Me, Love Me Not

“I doubt if de Botton has written a dull sentence in his life” — a comment from the New Statesman which I could not concur more.

Just finished “Essays in Love” — a plain title but the content is anything but. Misery needs company and am not alone! Not alone in feeling sillily euphoric, pathetically obsessed, loving and resentful in equal measure, and in the end can only sadly sigh over the greatest riddle of life.

Another beautiful end-of-Summer day today. So divine that it hurts.

Ordered half a case of wines from Z’s friend in Lama. One stone two birds.

Last Drop of Summer

Megi spared us. It turned out to be a gorgeous day — crisp and bright. What an irony — we splashed it at least twice.

Was reading “Loneliness” at a cafe in the early afternoon. John Cacioppo, the author — social neurologist with University of Chicago — spent some 30 years studying how people make social connections and how important they are to human life. I want it to be scientifically proved that intimacy is a basic human need, and loneliness harms personal well-being. Why would I want to justify my need for human connections? Because I imbibed from my early environments that self-reliance is a virtue. Also tried UCLA Loneliness Scale. Scored 44 — that’s the cut-line for high loneliness.

The author also argues, loneliness has its evolutionary value — it got built into our genes early on, because we survived by being stuck together, and its role lies in, it manifests itself as an acute pain and like any form of pain would make us pause and examine our behavior pattern; this social pain protects us from remaining isolated. It serves like a warning bell. Well, apparently, my warning bell has been singing all the way…

The most alarming bit, is loneliness does get to change, however slowly, the loner’s perception. Through this warped lens of lonely social cognition, others may appear more critical, competitive and denigrating than they really are. We might preemptively launch direct or indirect attack to fend off imaginative opponents. Thus, loneliness impairs our healthy self-regulation system and our ability to detect others’ perspective. Loss of orientation.

Watched a German movie in the afternoon. Fandango. Its mediocrity resulted in my early flee from the AMC cinema. Many references were American — Why?

Now, Now

N once said to me, if you don’t open yourself up, how can other people find you?

The hidden rationale behind my previous silence was Wittgenstein-esque. If only you do not try to utter what is unutterable, then nothing gets lost. But the unutterable will be — unutterably — contained in what has been uttered. Language can’t exhaust human heart, probably not even human experiences. But, it’s an honorable battle.

So am I blogging now.